Weird. It feels weird.
Good weird, though. Excitingly weird. Exhileratingly weird. Successfully weird.
Nervously weird. Abnormally weird. What-the-hell-am-I-doing-I-don’t-know-but-I’m-ready-for-it weird.
I’m in such a stable place and have been for such a long time (2 years let’s GO) that when I read my old writing I hardly recognize it. I’m so thankful that those memories, those feelings are so distant from my current state of mind and being. Likewise, I’m so thankful that I wrote down everything I felt and was going through WHILE I was feeling and going through it. It definitely helps when coming up with new material to consider the old. When I started my blog in 2017, I needed to write for ME. To make sense of the madness. Now, my writing is less cathartic and more geared towards the next college dropout stuck in a mental hospital feeling completely and totally alone.
When I started my blog, I felt I had nothing to lose by spilling my deepest darkest secrets. Now I definitely feel my guard up. I find myself rereading my old blogposts and thinking first, “Did I really feel this way?” and then, “Why did I feel the need to share this with the whole entire world?”
Mental illness is personal. It’s ooey gooey and yucky and strange and TMI and, well, weird. There is so much I have shared with the world wide web, and yet so much more I can’t imagine ever disclosing (yep, there’s MORE. Believe it or not). Blogging is also weird. I am thrilled to soon call myself an “author”, but I never would have described myself previously as a “blogger.” No offense, bloggers.
So how does it exactly feel to become an author? It feels like I am doing my 19-year-old manic-depressed self justice. And it reminds me of everything that 19-year-old manic-depressed girl had to go through to become a 22-year-old successfully treated manic-depressed AUTHOR.
So with that, I leave you with the first nine things off the top of my head that I wish I could tell my 19-year-old self:
- You are not the only person with bipolar.
- You are not the only person ever locked in a psych ward.
- You are not the only person your age ever locked in a psych ward.
- You will successfully integrate back into society after being released from the psych ward.
- You will go back to school (or wherever else you please).
- Six months from now, no one will care that you left school (or wherever else) to be locked in a psych ward.
- You will find stability, in your medications, in your therapy, in your family, in your friend group, in everything that matters.
- It will take time.
- It will be worth it.